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Everyone deserves healthy relationships built on mutual respect, emotional safety, and a desire for mutual understanding.
This blog explores the destructive dynamics of blame-shifting, highlights its relevance to these situations, and offers tools to help you protect your emotional well-being, gain clarity, and seek the support you need and deserve.
What is blame-shifting?
Blame-shifting is a manipulative tactic that undermines emotional intimacy and safety in a relationship.
Have you ever attempted to raise a reasonable complaint, concern, or hurt, and suddenly, your partner twisted the conversation around, making you the one at fault? The offender’s motivation is to avoid accountability and responsibility by deflecting blame onto the innocent person. It often involves lying, denying, and manipulating the truth to maintain control and power. Essentially, it’s
“blaming the victim.”
Blame-shifting distorts the truth and blocks the victim’s voice, making victims doubt themselves while they are placed on the hot seat, feeling they need to defend themselves. In circumstances like an
unexpected pregnancy or a past abortion, blame-shifting can be especially painful.
For example:
- A partner may blame you for the emotional or financial strain caused by an unplanned pregnancy in an attempt to reduce or remove the offender’s responsibility in the situation.
- They might accuse you of selfishness or insensitivity for past decisions, rewriting your story to focus on your supposed shortcomings while the offender avoids accountability for their behavior.
Manipulation and unkindness, such as blame-shifting, can erode the foundations of trust and care, leaving you confused, invalidated, overwhelmed, and stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and
emotional distress.
Blame-shifting can be devastating, particularly for women navigating complex and deeply personal challenges like an unexpected pregnancy or the emotional aftermath of a past abortion experience. These moments can bring vulnerability, and when a partner responds with unkindness or manipulation, it compounds the difficulty.
DARVO: A common pattern
Blame-shifting often follows the
DARVO pattern:
Have you ever attempted to raise a reasonable complaint, concern, or hurt, and suddenly, your partner twisted the conversation around, making you the one at fault? The offender’s motivation is to avoid accountability and responsibility by deflecting blame onto the innocent person. It often involves lying, denying, and manipulating the truth to maintain control and power. Essentially, it’s
“blaming the victim.”
- Deny: The abuser denies any wrongdoing.
- Attack: They shift blame to the victim, accusing them of causing the problem.
- Reverse Victim and Offender:
The abuser reframes themselves as the victim while casting the actual victim as the offender.
For example, when confronted about harmful behavior, an abuser might say,
“I wouldn’t have done that if you weren’t always criticizing me.”
This tactic manipulates the victim and can also confuse outsiders, such as therapists, friends, or family, who, if uneducated on abusive dynamics, may mistakenly side with the abuser.
The Purpose of Blame-Shifting
Blame-shifting serves to:
- Maintain control: The abuser keeps you in a downgraded position where you feel responsible for “fixing” the relationship.
- Avoid accountability: Deflecting blame allows the abuser to avoid their part in conflicts.
- Cause confusion:
Repeated blame-shifting undermines your sense of reality, leaving you unsure of what’s true.
Recognizing Blame-Shifting
Blame-shifting is rarely a standalone behavior. It often overlaps with other covert tactics, such as:
List of Services
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DeflectionItem Link List Item 1
The abuser changes the topic or brings up irrelevant issues, often redirecting the conversation to the victim’s supposed faults. For example, “What about the time you embarrassed me in front of my friends?”
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ProjectionItem Link List Item 2
The abuser accuses the victim of the very behavior the offender is guilty of. For instance, they might say “You’re always so angry!” while they ignore their own contributing actions and contempt towards you, or rage.
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GaslightingItem Link List Item 3
The abuser rewrites the narrative, causing the victim to doubt their memory or perspective. Gaslighting might include false accusations or twisting events to make the victim seem responsible for things they aren’t.
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ScapegoatingItem Link List Item 4
The abuser misrepresents the victim’s actions or motives to others, such as family or friends, creating a smear campaign to isolate and discredit the victim.
The Emotional Toll of Blame-Shifting
Blame-shifting undermines the victim’s sense of self, leading to:
- Self-doubt and cognitive dissonance: Victims may gaslight themselves, believing the abuser might be right despite knowing otherwise. They often feel confused, doubt their perceptions, and are unsure of their reality.
- Emotional distress: Anxiety, depression, mood swings, and difficulty regulating emotions are common effects of recurring trauma. The constant blame can lead to mental health struggles.
- Isolation: Feelings of guilt and shame may discourage victims from seeking help, leaving them feeling alone and defeated.
When blame-shifting occurs repeatedly, victims may develop Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) or
Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) due to ongoing psychological harm. And if victims reach out for help and are dismissed or disbelieved, the trauma is exacerbated. This is called
Double Abuse®, which adds another layer of harm to an already painful and traumatic situation.
Steps to Respond to Blame-Shifting
List of Services
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Trust Your InstinctsItem Link List Item 1
Reclaim your reality. Pay attention to your physical reactions when blame-shifting occurs. Your body will give you signals even if your mind is slow to catch up, such as a pit in your stomach or a racing heart.
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Recognize the BehaviorItem Link List Item 2
Spend some time familiarizing yourself with blame-shifting tactics such as DARVO, deflection, and projection. Learning in advance to recognize these covert behaviors will help you regulate your emotions and process what happened accurately to your situation. Not understanding these behaviors will leave you feeling blindsided, confused, and easily manipulated.
It may also help to review tools and resources from The MEND Project, including their terms and definitions of covert abusive behaviors. As you become more familiar with these patterns, you can begin to anticipate them and prepare your responses in advance.
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Document IncidentsItem Link List Item 3
Journal what was said to keep a record of incidents. This will help you maintain clarity and counter false narratives.
Documenting how it made you feel in your body is also helpful, as it can provide clarity and validation. Understanding how your body signals that something is wrong can clue you into an important tool you have within yourself.
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Set BoundariesItem Link List Item 4
If your physical safety is not a concern, define what you will and won’t tolerate, and communicate your boundaries assertively. For example, “I will not engage in conversations where I am being unfairly blamed.”
If boundaries are repeatedly crossed, limiting or ending contact may be necessary to protect your emotional safety. Sometimes, working with a therapist can help you work through the fears that make this difficult. This support can make it easier to follow through when it matters most.
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Avoid Explaining, Projection, or DenialItem Link
Trying to explain these concepts to an abuser is usually unproductive. Focus on protecting your well-being, educating yourself, and finding self-love instead of seeking validation from someone unwilling to take accountability. Making the mistake of seeking to be soothed by the same person harming you or your relationship rarely works and doesn’t make good use of your resources.
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Seek Help and SupportItem Link
Sharing your experiences with a safe and trusted friend, counselor, or support group can help you process your emotions, feel validated, and move forward in your healing.
If you’re seeking professional help, look for a therapist or counselor trained in emotional and psychological abuse, especially related to pregnancy and abortion. Take time to interview them before committing, and learn more about how to choose a therapist.
It can also help to build a support network of safe friends, family members, or a support group who understand your experiences and can walk alongside you.
Finding Hope and Healing
Connect with
Avail and utilize their resources:
- One-on-one virtual support: Connect with a Care Expert through a secure video session or text conversation. Every interaction is confidential, personalized, and designed to meet you where you are. All services are 100% free.
- Relationships and communication: If conversations feel complicated or tense, our Care Experts can help you navigate relationship dynamics, address blame-shifting, and move toward healthier communication with clarity and steadiness.
- Referrals to trusted partners: When specialized support is needed, we connect individuals to carefully vetted national and local partners to ensure continuity of care.
You do not have to navigate this alone. A Care Expert at Avail can walk with you as you sort through your situation and, when appropriate, connect you to trusted partners such as
The MEND Project.
The MEND Project provides educational resources, free monthly webinars, coaching groups, and structured courses designed to help individuals identify unhealthy or manipulative relationship patterns, understand the dynamics at play, and begin moving toward clarity, stability, and healing.
Talk to Your Care Expert About Tools for Healing
If you're processing a difficult relationship or past experiences, you're not alone. Your Care Expert is here to walk with you and provide insight into helpful tools that can support your healing. Consider asking them about the following resources from The MEND Project:
- Downloadable Guides: Ask your Care Expert about the Terms + Definitions, Pillars of Abuse, What is Original Abuse?, and What is Double Abuse? handouts. These resources can help you better understand the dynamics of relational harm and healing.
- Self-Paced Course: Explore The MEND Project’s
self-guided course to deepen your understanding at your own pace.
You deserve relationships built on
respect and emotional safety. Healing is possible with the right tools, support, and a compassionate Care Expert by your side.
Annette Oltmans
Founder and CEO of The MEND Project
Annette Oltmans is the Founder and CEO of The MEND Project. This non-profit organization provides clarity and education to victims of abuse on their journey toward restoration, and equips therapists and responders with tools to interface with victims and those who cause harm.
Annette's personal experience with emotional abuse inspired her to conduct extensive research on domestic violence and interview hundreds of survivors and responders. She developed much-needed educational resources for victims to find clarity and healing and for responders to interface with survivors in trauma-informed ways to avoid adding additional harm.
Annette’s passion is in creating content and providing education in the field of domestic violence, particularly on hidden forms of emotional abuse. She enjoys a loving relationship with her husband and is a proud mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother who enjoys snow skiing and pickleball.
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