Facing an unintended pregnancy can come with many challenges. For many, one of the biggest may be understanding all the options thoroughly and accurately. Women can often feel alone and unsure of where to turn to find unbiased truth and fact-based information, rather than personal opinion.

If you are pregnant and considering adoption, you might be in a “fact-finding” phase. A time of simply wanting to understand more about adoption before deciding your next steps with the pregnancy. You’re on the right track! You’re showing great strength in being willing to learn and not rush into any decision. This is indeed an important choice that deserves a thoughtful approach.

Myth vs. reality

First, let’s work through some common myths so that you have a better understanding of what adoption is and are prepared for conversations with well-intentioned friends and family members who might hold these perspectives.

Myth 1: Adoption equals foster care

One common misconception about adoption is that it is the same as foster care. In foster care, a child could move from one home to another without the consent of the birth mother. The goal of foster care is temporary placement into a foster home and eventual reunification with biological family.

However, this is not the goal of adoption. Adoption is a legal, permanent placement into a family that does not change. Adoption aims to offer the child a nurturing environment and stability, and gives you the power to choose a loving home.

Myth 2: Adoption means abandoning your child

Another misconception is that adoption is selfish, essentially abandoning a child. This is why some women say they couldn’t consider the option; they feel that their child would someday hate them for the choice.

This view often stems from a lack of understanding of the adoption process. When people think of adoption, they often think of a closed adoption, one in which the birth parents do not know or have contact with the child. However, an open adoption–a kind of adoption in which the biological parents and the adoptive families share information about the child and have an option of contact–is a possibility. Adoption can be structured in a wide variety of ways to make sure both parties are comfortable with the process.

A woman who is considering adoption is making a plan for her child, not abandoning or being flippant about any responsibility. In fact, most women who choose adoption are making that choice from a place of selfLESSness rather than selfishness. They are choosing parents for their child, when they would often rather parent themselves… but they determine that trying to do it themselves may not be in the best interest of their child.

Choice is empowering

This leads us to talk about how modern adoption is largely driven by an expectant mother’s choice. As these women move forward with adoption, they select the family to raise their child, determine what their time in the hospital after birth will look like, and how open they want to be with the adoptive family and child.

Recognizing this choice is empowering. For those who would typically see their options as only parenting or abortion, a better understanding allows them to see adoption, a third option, through a more accurate lens.

Expectant father role

Expectant fathers can also play a significant role in the adoption process. If you are considering adoption and your partner wants to support you in your decision, there are many ways to get involved. Learning the truths offers a solid understanding of the path ahead. If you are comfortable, you may ask him to participate in the process of choosing a family as well. As you determine your own preferences, know that he may  work through his own openness plan, which could include receiving email updates, photos, and having visits.

Regardless of the relationship between the two biological parents, each can participate in their child’s life, both now and in the future.

Weighing your options

If you’re not sure of your next steps but exploring your options, consider making a pro and con list. While adoption may not be the right choice for every woman, it could be a beautiful way to show love without having to be the one parenting. You will have your own specific circumstances, but some of the pros to adoption can look like:

• Bright Futures Ahead: My child can go on to have a full life with a family, developing into a unique individual.
• Financial Freedom: The future financial responsibility for this child will be upheld by the adoptive family.
• Uninterrupted Goals: I will be able to continue my educational and professional goals.
• Future Relationship: I can still have a relationship with my child, and they will know that I made this choice out of love.
• Control of Future Family: I will get to choose the family that I want to raise my child.
  

However, as with all options for an unexpected pregnancy, there are challenges. Some realistic cons might be:

• Emotional Toll: This will be a hard decision, and I know I will go through a grieving process, even if I believe it is in the best interest of my child.
• Distant Parenting: I will miss witnessing the milestones of this child's life in the typical way of parenting.
• Outside Opinions: Others may not understand my choice. However, I can't control the opinions of people in my life.
  

Support after an adoption

Regardless of your decision, we know there is no easy option. If you choose to work with an adoption agency and create an adoption plan, ask your agency about available post-adoption counseling and support. Having that support can be incredibly important for you in the following weeks, months, and years.

Give yourself permission to accept the amount of support you need at the time, and know that it may evolve over time. You may need more regular support at the beginning, and only occasional connection later on, but having someone who understands the reality of your grief can help you to process it in a healthy way.

You don’t have to face this alone

If you are facing an unexpected pregnancy, support is available. Whether you’re considering an adoption or just wanting to explore and weigh your options, talking with a Care Expert at Avail can offer clarity, resources, and connections for your next steps. Get support today.

Kristin McCool

National Pregnancy Counseling Manager of Lifeline Children’s Services

Kristin McCool serves as the National Pregnancy Counseling Manager with Lifeline Children’s Services. Lifeline provides options counseling to women around the country who are in unexpected pregnancies, helping them through the adoption planning process if they so desire. Lifeline also serves potential adoptive families considering both domestic and international adoption and provides post-adoption support to birth families as well as adoptive families.