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I’m Pregnant and Considering Adoption

Fri, 24 Jul 2026 17:18:50 GMT

Facing an unintended pregnancy can come with many challenges. For many, one of the biggest may be understanding all the options thoroughly and accurately. Women can often feel alone and unsure of where to turn to find unbiased truth and fact-based information, rather than personal opinion.

If you are pregnant and considering adoption, you might be in a “fact-finding” phase. A time of simply wanting to understand more about adoption before deciding your next steps with the pregnancy. You’re on the right track! You’re showing great strength in being willing to learn and not rush into any decision. This is indeed an important choice that deserves a thoughtful approach.

First, let’s work through some common myths so that you have a better understanding of what adoption is and are prepared for conversations with well-intentioned friends and family members who might hold these perspectives.

Myth vs. reality

One common misconception about adoption is that it is the same as foster care . In foster care, a child could move from one home to another without the consent of the birth mother. The goal of foster care is temporary placement into a foster home and eventual reunification with biological family.

Myth 1: Adoption equals foster care

Myth 2: Adoption means abandoning your child

Another misconception is that adoption is selfish, essentially abandoning a child. This is why some women say they couldn’t consider the option; they feel that their child would someday hate them for the choice.

This view often stems from a lack of understanding of the adoption process. When people think of adoption, they often think of a c losed adoption , one in which the birth parents do not know or have contact with the child. However, an open adoption–a kind of adoption in which the biological parents and the adoptive families share information about the child and have an option of contact–is a possibility. Adoption can be structured in a wide variety of ways to make sure both parties are comfortable with the process.

A woman who is considering adoption is making a plan for her child, not abandoning or being flippant about any responsibility. In fact, most women who choose adoption are making that choice from a place of selfLESSness rather than selfishness. They are choosing parents for their child, when they would often rather parent themselves… but they determine that trying to do it themselves may not be in the best interest of their child.

However, this is not the goal of adoption. Adoption is a legal, permanent placement into a family that does not change. Adoption aims to offer the child a nurturing environment and stability, and gives you the power to choose a loving home.

This leads us to talk about how modern adoption is largely driven by an expectant mother’s choice. As these women move forward with adoption, they select the family to raise their child, determine what their time in the hospital after birth will look like, and how open they want to be with the adoptive family and child.

Choice is empowering

Recognizing this choice is empowering. For those who would typically see their options as only parenting or abortion, a better understanding allows them to see adoption, a third option, through a more accurate lens.

Expectant fathers can also play a significant role in the adoption process. If you are considering adoption and your partner wants to support you in your decision, there are many ways to get involved. Learning the truths offers a solid understanding of the path ahead. If you are comfortable, you may ask him to participate in the process of choosing a family as well. As you determine your own preferences, know that he may work through his own openness plan, which could include receiving email updates, photos, and having visits.

Expectant father role

Regardless of the relationship between the two biological parents, each can participate in their child’s life, both now and in the future.

If you’re not sure of your next steps but exploring your options, consider making a pro and con list. While adoption may not be the right choice for every woman, it could be a beautiful way to show love without having to be the one parenting. You will have your own specific circumstances, but some of the pros to adoption can look like:

Weighing your options

Bright Futures Ahead: My child can go on to have a full life with a family, developing into a unique individual.
Financial Freedom: The future financial responsibility for this child will be upheld by the adoptive family.
Uninterrupted Goals: I will be able to continue my educational and professional goals.
Future Relationship: I can still have a relationship with my child, and they will know that I made this choice out of love.
Control of Future Family: I will get to choose the family that I want to raise my child.

However, as with all options for an unexpected pregnancy, there are challenges. Some realistic cons might be:

Emotional Toll: This will be a hard decision, and I know I will go through a grieving process, even if I believe it is in the best interest of my child.
Distant Parenting: I will miss witnessing the milestones of this child's life in the typical way of parenting.
Outside Opinions: Others may not understand my choice. However, I can't control the opinions of people in my life.

Regardless of your decision, we know there is no easy option. If you choose to work with an adoption agency and create an adoption plan, ask your agency about available post-adoption counseling and support. Having that support can be incredibly important for you in the following weeks, months, and years.

Support after an adoption

Give yourself permission to accept the amount of support you need at the time, and know that it may evolve over time. You may need more regular support at the beginning, and only occasional connection later on, but having someone who understands the reality of your grief can help you to process it in a healthy way.

If you are facing an unexpected pregnancy, support is available. Whether you’re considering an adoption or just wanting to explore and weigh your options, talking with a Care Expert at Avail can offer clarity, resources, and connections for your next steps. Get support today.

You don’t have to face this alone

Kristin McCool

National Pregnancy Counseling Manager of Lifeline Children’s Services

Kristin McCool serves as the National Pregnancy Counseling Manager with Lifeline Children’s Services. Lifeline provides options counseling to women around the country who are in unexpected pregnancies, helping them through the adoption planning process if they so desire. Lifeline also serves potential adoptive families considering both domestic and international adoption and provides post-adoption support to birth families as well as adoptive families.

Caroline: Welcomed, Heard, and Supported at Avail

Mon, 06 Jul 2026 19:25:10 GMT

When Caroline first visited Avail in 2012, she wasn't expecting it to become such an important part of her life. A former boss had encouraged her to stop by, and she was curious to learn more about the organization. Maybe one particular conversation or program didn't stand out, but the feeling of being in a place where people genuinely cared for one another stayed with her long after she left.

"I kind of fell in love with it," she says, smiling as she remembers that first visit.

More than a decade has passed, yet Caroline still talks about that first visit with warmth. The memory isn't tied to a single moment. Instead, it's woven together from small things: the atmosphere, the welcome she received, and the sense that every person who came through the door mattered. Those impressions shaped how she saw Avail from the very beginning, and they're the reason she still finds herself sharing its mission with others today.

A place where everyone is welcome

Whenever Caroline describes Avail, the conversation naturally turns to the people. Before she talks about services or programs , she talks about who belongs there because she's learned that many people have assumptions about who support is for.

"I think what's so important to me about what Avail is doing—and what I always share with people—is that it is a completely safe space for both men and women alike. I always emphasize that because I think so many people are like, ‘Oh, well, you know, it's only for women,’ and I'm like, ‘No, no, Avail is not. Men are welcome, too.’”

It's something she intentionally points out because she knows how easy it is for people to assume they have to carry difficult experiences alone. Some are facing an unexpected pregnancy, some are processing an abortion experience, and still others are supporting a partner or family member and aren't sure where they fit into the conversation. Caroline hopes people know there's room for all of them.

She also appreciates that people don't have to come from a particular background to be welcomed.

"It's apolitical, and regardless of what religious background you have, you’re welcome."

That word has always stood out to her. “Welcome” doesn't require someone to have everything figured out. It just means there's a place where questions, uncertainty, and honest conversations are met with compassion instead of judgment.

Peace in every detail

Ask Caroline what she remembers most about her first visit, and she’ll tell you she most remembers how the space itself made her feel.

"Just the fact that the women that walk into the Avail space feel completely comfortable to be themselves was something that resonated with me when I was in the first Avail office almost eight years ago. The physical space itself felt really peaceful—everything from the decor, to the choice of paintings on the wall, to the type of chair; it's just very peaceful.”

Years later, she can still picture those details. The paintings on the wall. The cozy chairs. The comfortable quiet that seemed to settle over the room. None of them would seem especially remarkable on their own, yet together they created an environment where it felt easier to take a breath and let your guard down.

As Caroline got to know the organization, she found the same sense of care in the people she met and the conversations they had. Whether someone schedules to connect via text message or via secure video call with a Care Expert , she hopes they leave with the same impression she did.

"You feel seen. You feel heard."

Why she continues to support Avail

Over time, Caroline's appreciation for Avail naturally grew into a desire to support its work and get involved . She had watched the organization remain consistent in the way it cared for people, and giving back became one way of participating in something she believed was making a difference.

"Personally, I believe that every person is important. I cannot say that if I don't back it up. I want people to know that I put my money where my mouth is and it's not just talk, that I actually do really care about the women and men who find themselves in this place.”

For her, supporting Avail is deeply personal. It's a way of living out the belief that every person deserves dignity, compassion, and someone willing to listen when life feels uncertain. She hopes her support helps ensure that the next person who reaches out finds the same welcome she experienced all those years ago.

A place people remember

Looking back, Caroline doesn't talk about Avail as though it were simply another organization she encountered. She remembers how she felt walking through the door for the first time, and that memory has stayed with her for more than ten years. It's the reason she continues recommending Avail to friends, speaking about the team’s mission , and investing in its future.

She hopes that others, whether they're facing an unexpected pregnancy, processing an abortion experience, or supporting someone they love, experience the same sense of welcome she found all those years ago. That's the feeling she still remembers most clearly, and it's why she continues telling people about Avail today.

You don't have to face this alone

If you're facing an unexpected pregnancy, processing an abortion experience, or simply looking for someone to talk with, Avail offers free, confidential support for women and men in a compassionate, judgment-free environment. Our Care Experts are here to listen, answer your questions, and help you consider your next steps at your own pace.

Caroline's story begins with a warm welcome, but it's the feeling of being seen and heard that stayed with her. Honest conversations often begin when people know they won't be judged or rushed, and that's the environment Avail strives to create for every person who reaches out.

If you're looking for a place to ask questions, process your thoughts, or simply talk with someone who will listen, we're here for you.

Avail Staff

Articles by Avail Staff represent the shared expertise of our team at Avail, a national organization committed to helping people facing unexpected pregnancy or processing a past abortion discover clarity and support. These posts reflect our philosophy of care and draw from real client experience, offering trustworthy insight for those seeking guidance, understanding, or next steps.

I’m Pregnant but Not Ready to be a Mom

Thu, 02 Jul 2026 21:00:31 GMT

Seeing a positive pregnancy test when you're not ready to become a mom can make everything else fade into the background. Your mind may immediately jump to questions about school, work, finances, your relationship, your family, or the future you thought you had planned.

If you've found yourself pregnant and either don’t want to be a mom or don’t feel ready to be a mom, you are not alone. Many women describe feeling shocked, overwhelmed, conflicted, or simply unprepared. There isn't one "right" way to react to an unintended pregnancy.

You don't have to have every answer today. Taking one thoughtful step at a time can help you move from feeling overwhelmed toward feeling more confident about whatever decision you ultimately make.

In fact, many women today are openly talking about the complex questions that can come with the idea of motherhood, from balancing career goals and finances to navigating relationships and personal identity. The conversation around modern motherhood continues to evolve, reminding us that uncertainty doesn't mean you're alone.

Start by slowing down

After discovering you're pregnant, it can feel like everyone expects you to make a decision immediately. Family, friends, partners, and even your own thoughts may create a sense of urgency.

Before making any major decisions, try to care for yourself in simple ways. Eat something nourishing, get some rest if you can, and take a break from constantly searching online or reading other people's opinions. Giving yourself space to think clearly is not avoiding the situation.

In reality, unless you are experiencing a medical emergency, you usually have time to pause, gather information, and think carefully.

In fact, research suggests that accepting difficult thoughts and emotions, rather than judging or trying to suppress them, can help people respond more effectively to stressful situations over time. It's preparing yourself to make an informed decision.

Many women also find it helpful to write down what's going through their minds. Instead of trying to solve every problem at once, simply list your fears, hopes, questions, and uncertainties. Seeing them on paper can make those thoughts feel more organized and manageable. The goal isn't to eliminate difficult emotions but to acknowledge them, understand what they may be telling you, and move forward thoughtfully.

Your emotions are giving you information

An unexpected pregnancy can bring a flood of emotions. You may feel scared one moment, relieved the next, then overwhelmed all over again. Conflicting emotions are common, and they don't necessarily mean you're confused or making the wrong decision.

For example:

Are you worried about how a pregnancy could affect your education or career?
Are you afraid of disappointing someone you love?
Are you grieving the future you imagined for yourself?
Do you feel alone or unsupported?
Are you worried about finances or housing?
Is there part of you that simply doesn't feel ready to become a parent right now?

Rather than pushing those feelings away, spend some time reflecting on what they might be pointing toward. Research has found that emotions often provide valuable information about what matters to us, especially during stressful life events. Taking time to notice and understand those emotions, instead of immediately reacting to them, can help you make more thoughtful decisions.

As you begin to recognize what's beneath those emotions, consider what they reveal about your values. What kind of future do you hope to build? What relationships, goals, or beliefs matter most to you? Looking beyond today's emotions and reflecting on the values that guide your life can help bring greater clarity and confidence as you consider your options.

Your feelings matter. Yet at the same time, they don't have to make the decision for you. Think of them as signals rather than instructions. They can help you better understand your situation, identify the questions you still need answered, and move toward a decision that reflects both your circumstances and what matters most to you.

Questions you may be asking yourself

One of the hardest parts of an unintended pregnancy is that it can feel like every question needs an immediate answer. The reality is that many women have similar concerns, and you don't have to figure them all out today.

Find people who feel safe

You don't have to sort through this alone, but you also don't have to tell everyone.

As you consider who to talk with, look for someone who creates space for honest conversation rather than pressure. A safe person listens more than they speak, respects your values, asks thoughtful questions, and helps you process your thoughts without trying to make the decision for you.

When you're facing an unexpected pregnancy, the responses of others can have a significant impact on how you feel. Some people may immediately offer advice, share strong opinions, or encourage you toward a particular decision before fully listening to your concerns. That's why it's important to be thoughtful about who you invite into this part of your story.

Whether that person is a trusted friend, family member, mentor, or trained support professional, having someone who can simply listen with compassion can make a difficult situation feel much less overwhelming.

If you don't yet have someone who feels safe, Avail's Care Experts are here to help. They provide confidential, judgment-free support and a space where you can ask questions, process your thoughts, explore your options, and move forward at your own pace. Their role isn't to tell you what to do, but to support you as you make the decision that's right for you.

Learn about all of your options

When emotions are running high, it's easy to make assumptions about what each option would mean for your life. Taking time to learn about each one can help replace uncertainty with understanding and give you greater confidence in whatever decision you make.

Parenting

For some women, parenting immediately feels overwhelming. You may be thinking about finances, school, work, housing, your relationship, or whether you have the support you need. Those are important questions to consider. Taking time to explore available resources, your support system, and what day-to-day life could realistically look like can help you better understand whether parenting aligns with your circumstances, values, and goals.

If you'd like to talk through what parenting could look like in your situation, talk with a Care Expert . They’re available to answer your questions and connect you with helpful resources.

Adoption

Adoption is often the option people know the least about, yet there are many different adoption plans available today. Depending on the arrangement, some birth parents choose ongoing communication with the adoptive family, while others prefer more privacy. Giving yourself time to explore the adoption process can help you better understand what it might look like and how it fits with your values, circumstances, and hopes for the future.

If you're interested in learning more, connect with our team at Avail . Our Care Experts can help you understand the adoption process and connect you with trusted adoption resources, allowing you to explore the option at your own pace.

Abortion

If you're considering abortion, taking time to understand the different procedures , how far along you are, what recovery may involve, and any questions you have about the physical or emotional aspects of the experience can help you make an informed decision. Speaking with a qualified medical provider about your health and pregnancy is an important part of understanding your options.

If you have questions about abortion or would like to talk through your concerns, get support today . Avail's Care Experts are here to provide information, answer your questions, and offer support without judgment or pressure.

Whatever option you're considering, remember that learning more doesn't commit you to a particular path. It simply gives you the information you need to make a decision with greater clarity and confidence.

Get the information you need

As you continue exploring your options, gathering accurate information can help you feel more prepared to make a decision. Some questions may have simple answers, while others may take a little more time to work through.

You may also find it helpful to ask questions like:

How far along am I?
What are my options at this stage of pregnancy?
What should I know about each option?
Are there medical considerations I should discuss with a healthcare provider?
What resources and support are available to me?

If you haven't already, consider scheduling a pregnancy confirmation appointment with a qualified medical provider. Confirming your pregnancy and learning how far along you are can provide important information as you consider your next steps.

Because every pregnancy is unique, medical questions should always be discussed with a licensed healthcare provider. However, if you're looking for a place to ask questions and process in a confidential, judgment-free environment, schedule a conversation with one of Avail's Care Experts. They can help you understand your options, connect you with helpful resources, and support you as you process your decision at your own pace.

Choosing your next step

As you gather information and reflect on your options, remember that there isn't a perfect formula for making a decision like this. Every situation is different, and your circumstances, relationships, values, and goals are unique to you.

Reflect on questions like:

What values do I want to guide this decision?
What concerns or fears keep coming to mind?
Have I given myself enough time to understand my options?
Am I responding to pressure, or am I making space to consider what I truly want?
Which decision best aligns with the future I hope to build?

Instead of asking yourself, "What's the fastest way to decide?" consider asking questions that help you better understand what matters most.

You don't have to answer all of these questions at once. Many women find that clarity develops gradually as they process their emotions, gather information, and have honest conversations with people they trust.

If you'd like someone to help you think through these questions, talk with a Care Expert . Avail provides confidential, judgment-free support to help you explore your options, process your thoughts, and move toward a decision that reflects your values and circumstances.

You don't have to figure this out alone

An unexpected pregnancy can make the future feel uncertain, but you don't have to carry every question or decision by yourself.

Many women also tell us that simply having someone who will listen, ask thoughtful questions, and provide reliable information helps them move from feeling overwhelmed to feeling more confident about what comes next.

For nearly three decades, Avail has walked alongside women navigating unintended pregnancies. While every story is different, we've found that many women share a common need: a place where they can slow down, ask honest questions, and think through their options without feeling rushed.

If you're looking for that kind of support, talk with a Care Expert . Whether you have questions about your options, want help processing your thoughts, or simply need someone to listen, we're here to walk alongside you. Our Care Experts are trained to provide compassionate support, evidence-informed resources, and a safe place to explore your next steps.

Whatever you're feeling today, you don't have to have everything figured out before reaching out. Sometimes clarity begins with a single conversation.

Avail Staff

How to Know if Nausea is Pregnancy or a Stomach Bug

Tue, 23 Jun 2026 20:29:51 GMT

If you have been feeling nauseous, unusually tired, or just not like yourself, it makes sense to wonder what your body is trying to tell you.

Many people find themselves searching, “Is this a stomach bug or could I be pregnant?” The symptoms can overlap, which makes it hard to know right away.

Sometimes nausea is caused by something short term, like a stomach virus or food poisoning. Other times, it may be an early sign of pregnancy. Looking at timing, duration, and accompanying symptoms can help you sort through the difference.

Please note that this article is for informational purposes only and does not replace medical advice. If you are concerned about your health or need a diagnosis, speak with a licensed medical provider.

Signs it may be a stomach bug

A stomach virus usually begins suddenly. You may feel fine in the morning and noticeably sick by afternoon.

According to the Mayo Clinic, common signs of viral gastroenteritis (the stomach flu) include:

Diarrhea
Stomach cramps
Chills or a mild fever
Vomiting that begins abruptly
Headache or body aches
Fatigue or dehydration

The stomach flu typically improves within 24 to 72 hours. If symptoms resolve within a few days, it is more likely your body was fighting a temporary illness.

Food poisoning can look similar. Symptoms often begin within hours of eating contaminated food and usually improve within one to two days.

Other possible causes of nausea

Possible causes include:

Food poisoning
A new or recently changed medication
Motion sickness or inner ear issues
Migraines
Significant stress

Not all nausea is related to pregnancy or a stomach virus. Other factors can affect digestion and trigger similar symptoms.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, food poisoning often begins within hours of eating contaminated food and may include stomach cramps or diarrhea, and typically resolve within 24 to 48 hours.

If symptoms ease within a day or two, a temporary cause is more likely. If nausea continues, pregnancy or another underlying issue may need to be considered.

Can early pregnancy feel like a stomach bug?

Yes, early pregnancy can feel very similar to a stomach illness, which is why the question of stomach bug or pregnancy comes up so often.

The National Institute of Health shares that pregnancy-related nausea, often called “morning sickness,” can begin around 4 to 9 weeks after conception, and peaks between 7 to 12 weeks. It is not limited to mornings and can occur at any time of day.

The Cleveland Clinic gives a list of common symptoms , including:

Ongoing nausea that does not improve after a few days
Motion sickness
Heartburn or reflux that is not clearly linked to a specific meal

Unlike a stomach virus, pregnancy-related nausea usually does not resolve within a few days. It may continue for weeks, and may come and go throughout the day.

Signs that may point more clearly to pregnancy

When nausea is connected to pregnancy, other changes often appear.

The Mayo Clinic explains that common early pregnancy symptoms may include:

A missed or late period
Tender or swollen breasts
Increased urination
Ongoing fatigue
Food aversions
Nasal congestion that may cause swelling, dryness, or bleeding

If your menstrual cycle is typically regular and your period is late, that is one of the strongest indicators that pregnancy could be possible.

Key differences: stomach bug vs pregnancy nausea

If you are comparing symptoms, focus on onset and duration.

Stomach Bug

Sudden onset
Often includes diarrhea or fever
Improves within 1 to 3 days

Duration is often the clearest difference. A stomach virus usually improves within a few days, while pregnancy-related nausea tends to persist.

Pregnancy Nausea

Gradual onset
Rarely includes fever
Often lasts days or weeks
May be accompanied by a missed period

How to know for sure

If pregnancy is possible, the only way to confirm is with a pregnancy test.

At-home pregnancy tests work by checking your urine for a hormone called human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) , which the body begins producing after a fertilized egg attaches to the uterus. The test strip inside the pregnancy test reacts to this hormone.

If hCG is present, the test shows a result such as a line, plus sign, or digital message depending on the test you use. Because the amount of hCG increases in early pregnancy, tests tend to be most accurate shortly after a missed period.

When to take a pregnancy test

According to the Mayo Clinic, many home pregnancy tests can detect pregnancy on the first day of a missed period, but results are usually more accurate if you wait at least a few days after your missed period so the pregnancy hormone hCG has time to rise to detectable levels.

If you test early and receive a negative result but your period still has not started, testing again a few days later may provide a clearer answer.

Pregnancy testing tips

You do not have to navigate this alone

Uncertainty about your body can feel unsettling, especially if the possibility of pregnancy was not something you were preparing for.

At Avail, we offer confidential virtual appointments and text-based support. Our Care Experts are here to listen and help you think through your next steps. You do not need to have everything decided before reaching out.

Avail Staff

Navigating Blame-Shifting in Relationships

Wed, 17 Jun 2026 18:13:40 GMT

Everyone deserves healthy relationships built on mutual respect, emotional safety, and a desire for mutual understanding.

This blog explores the destructive dynamics of blame-shifting, highlights its relevance to these situations, and offers tools to help you protect your emotional well-being, gain clarity, and seek the support you need and deserve.

Blame-shifting is a manipulative tactic that undermines emotional intimacy and safety in a relationship.

What is blame-shifting?

Have you ever attempted to raise a reasonable complaint, concern, or hurt, and suddenly, your partner twisted the conversation around, making you the one at fault? The offender’s motivation is to avoid accountability and responsibility by deflecting blame onto the innocent person. It often involves lying, denying, and manipulating the truth to maintain control and power. Essentially, it’s “blaming the victim.”

Blame-shifting distorts the truth and blocks the victim’s voice, making victims doubt themselves while they are placed on the hot seat, feeling they need to defend themselves. In circumstances like an unexpected pregnancy or a past abortion , blame-shifting can be especially painful. For example:

Manipulation and unkindness, such as blame-shifting, can erode the foundations of trust and care, leaving you confused, invalidated, overwhelmed, and stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and emotional distress .

A partner may blame you for the emotional or financial strain caused by an unplanned pregnancy in an attempt to reduce or remove the offender’s responsibility in the situation.
They might accuse you of selfishness or insensitivity for past decisions, rewriting your story to focus on your supposed shortcomings while the offender avoids accountability for their behavior.

Blame-shifting can be devastating, particularly for women navigating complex and deeply personal challenges like an unexpected pregnancy or the emotional aftermath of a past abortion experience. These moments can bring vulnerability, and when a partner responds with unkindness or manipulation, it compounds the difficulty.

Blame-shifting often follows the DARVO pattern :

DARVO: A common pattern

For example, when confronted about harmful behavior, an abuser might say, “I wouldn’t have done that if you weren’t always criticizing me.”

Deny: The abuser denies any wrongdoing.
Attack: They shift blame to the victim, accusing them of causing the problem.
Reverse Victim and Offender: The abuser reframes themselves as the victim while casting the actual victim as the offender.

This tactic manipulates the victim and can also confuse outsiders, such as therapists, friends, or family, who, if uneducated on abusive dynamics, may mistakenly side with the abuser.

The Purpose of Blame-Shifting

Blame-shifting serves to:

Maintain control: The abuser keeps you in a downgraded position where you feel responsible for “fixing” the relationship.
Avoid accountability: Deflecting blame allows the abuser to avoid their part in conflicts.
Cause confusion: Repeated blame-shifting undermines your sense of reality, leaving you unsure of what’s true.

Blame-shifting is rarely a standalone behavior. It often overlaps with other covert tactics, such as:

Recognizing Blame-Shifting

Blame-shifting undermines the victim’s sense of self, leading to:

The Emotional Toll of Blame-Shifting

When blame-shifting occurs repeatedly, victims may develop Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) or Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) due to ongoing psychological harm. And if victims reach out for help and are dismissed or disbelieved, the trauma is exacerbated. This is called Double Abuse® , which adds another layer of harm to an already painful and traumatic situation.

Self-doubt and cognitive dissonance: Victims may gaslight themselves, believing the abuser might be right despite knowing otherwise. They often feel confused, doubt their perceptions, and are unsure of their reality.
Emotional distress: Anxiety, depression, mood swings, and difficulty regulating emotions are common effects of recurring trauma. The constant blame can lead to mental health struggles.
Isolation: Feelings of guilt and shame may discourage victims from seeking help, leaving them feeling alone and defeated.

Steps to Respond to Blame-Shifting

Connect with Avail and utilize their resources:

Finding Hope and Healing

You do not have to navigate this alone. A Care Expert at Avail can walk with you as you sort through your situation and, when appropriate, connect you to trusted partners such as The MEND Project .

One-on-one virtual support: Connect with a Care Expert through a secure video session or text conversation. Every interaction is confidential, personalized, and designed to meet you where you are. All services are 100% free.
Relationships and communication: If conversations feel complicated or tense, our Care Experts can help you navigate relationship dynamics, address blame-shifting, and move toward healthier communication with clarity and steadiness.
Referrals to trusted partners: When specialized support is needed, we connect individuals to carefully vetted national and local partners to ensure continuity of care.

The MEND Project provides educational resources, free monthly webinars, coaching groups, and structured courses designed to help individuals identify unhealthy or manipulative relationship patterns, understand the dynamics at play, and begin moving toward clarity, stability, and healing.

If you're processing a difficult relationship or past experiences, you're not alone. Your Care Expert is here to walk with you and provide insight into helpful tools that can support your healing. Consider asking them about the following resources from The MEND Project:

Talk to Your Care Expert About Tools for Healing

You deserve relationships built on respect and emotional safety. Healing is possible with the right tools, support, and a compassionate Care Expert by your side.

Downloadable Guides: Ask your Care Expert about the Terms + Definitions , Pillars of Abuse , What is Original Abuse? , and What is Double Abuse? handouts. These resources can help you better understand the dynamics of relational harm and healing.
Self-Paced Course : Explore The MEND Project’s self-guided course to deepen your understanding at your own pace.

Annette Oltmans

Founder and CEO of The MEND Project

Annette Oltmans is the Founder and CEO of The MEND Project. This non-profit organization provides clarity and education to victims of abuse on their journey toward restoration, and equips therapists and responders with tools to interface with victims and those who cause harm.

Annette's personal experience with emotional abuse inspired her to conduct extensive research on domestic violence and interview hundreds of survivors and responders. She developed much-needed educational resources for victims to find clarity and healing and for responders to interface with survivors in trauma-informed ways to avoid adding additional harm.

Annette’s passion is in creating content and providing education in the field of domestic violence, particularly on hidden forms of emotional abuse. She enjoys a loving relationship with her husband and is a proud mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother who enjoys snow skiing and pickleball.

Arianna: From Silent Shame to Finding Support

Fri, 05 Jun 2026 19:03:15 GMT

Arianna was working hard and pursuing her master’s degree when she found out she was pregnant.

She remembers feeling two emotions at the same time: pride in everything she had worked to accomplish, and shame over what she believed her pregnancy would mean to the people who knew her best. What followed was a deeply personal journey toward healing after abortion, one that began only after she found a safe place to speak honestly about her experience.

She had always been someone others looked up to. Family members trusted her, and younger relatives saw her as an example. Suddenly, she was carrying something she wasn't sure she could tell anyone.

“My family would have been so disappointed to know I was pregnant,” Arianna explains. “I'm the one my aunts will call to have me talk with my younger cousins when they are off track.”

She worried that if her family knew, they would stop seeing her the same way. The expectations she had spent years living up to now felt impossible to carry. She was used to being the one who offered advice or encouragement to others. When she found herself facing one of the hardest decisions of her own life, she wasn't sure where to turn.

A long wait and a heavy room

At eleven weeks, Arianna decided to have an abortion. She arrived at a Planned Parenthood near her home at 8 a.m., expecting the day to move quickly. Instead, she found a waiting room filled with people. Looking around, she wondered if perhaps she was making too much of what she was feeling.

"It made me feel like, 'This is normal, I'm dramatizing my feelings.'"

As the hours passed, that feeling faded. The longer she waited, the heavier the experience became. Eventually, she was taken to another room where she waited with other women preparing for their procedures. What she remembers most isn't the room itself, but the atmosphere inside it.

"Finally, I was placed into another room in a hospital gown with other women. I could feel the despair in the room. I started talking with the woman next to me who was fourteen weeks pregnant and crying. It was upsetting."

Seeing the pain around her made the experience feel deeply personal. Every woman in the room had arrived there by a different path, but for a little while they shared the same quiet space.

"After the abortion, I just remember holding my stomach and feeling empty."

Rather than going straight home, Arianna walked to a nearby park. She spent hours walking in circles, crying, trying to make sense of everything that had happened that day.

For Arianna, healing after abortion didn't begin that day. It would take time before she felt ready to process everything she had experienced.

"I stood in front of the swing set and thought about what life would have looked like with a child. I felt like I'd rewritten my own future, but I didn't want to burden any family or friends by telling them about my abortion."

She found herself imagining the future she had once pictured alongside the future she had chosen. At the same time, she felt certain she couldn't tell the people closest to her what she had been through. The fear of disappointing them hadn't disappeared. If anything, it felt even greater now.

The weight of silence

For the next month, Arianna told no one about her abortion except her boyfriend. Keeping it to herself initially felt easier than trying to explain what had happened, but the silence gradually became another burden she had to carry. Without anyone to process the experience with, her thoughts circled back to the same questions again and again.

"I was so scared to tell my family due to fear, but now I was just filled with shame."

Her relationship also became strained. She found herself resenting her boyfriend for not sharing his opinion before the abortion, while she struggled to sort through her own emotions afterward. She had made it through the procedure, but emotionally, she felt stuck.

Healing after abortion felt impossible while she carried everything alone. Life around her had moved on. She wasn't sure how to do the same.

Finding a place to process

Eventually, Arianna found Avail and met with a Care Expert. For the first time since her abortion, she had a place where she could speak honestly about what she had experienced without feeling pressured, judged, or expected to have everything figured out. Instead of trying to push her emotions aside, she was able to begin putting words to them.

Through those conversations, Arianna reflected on what she had been carrying for weeks. She didn't have to explain everything perfectly or pretend she was okay. She simply had space to process her experience at her own pace, ask difficult questions, and begin looking toward the future with new strength and perspective.

While every person's story is different, having a safe place to talk can make a meaningful difference. Some people process their abortion experience immediately. Others don't begin to sort through their thoughts and emotions until months or even years later. There is no timeline for when someone may want support, and there is no right or wrong way to experience it.

For Arianna, healing after abortion didn't begin because she suddenly had all the answers, but because she no longer had to carry everything by herself.

A story shared with permission

Stories like Arianna's are deeply personal. No two abortion experiences are the same, and no two people walk away with the same thoughts or emotions. Some people experience relief. Others feel sadness, anger, grief, uncertainty, or a combination of emotions that shifts over time. Many find themselves feeling emotions they didn't expect.

What Arianna's story reminds us is that it is possible to find a place where those experiences can be spoken about openly. Sometimes the opportunity to tell your story without fear of judgment is the first step toward understanding it.

You don't have to carry it alone

If you're processing an abortion experience, you don't have to do it alone.

Avail offers free, confidential support for women and men who are looking for someone to talk with after an abortion. Whether your experience was recent or happened years ago, our Care Experts provide a space to be heard, ask questions, and process whatever you're carrying without pressure or judgment.

Every conversation begins with listening. Whether you're looking for healing after abortion, trying to understand complicated emotions, or simply want someone to talk with, you can decide what support feels right for you.

Avail Staff

Amber: Searching Online for Pregnancy Help Changed My Life

Thu, 05 Mar 2026 16:14:28 GMT

The moment I saw the positive pregnancy test

I remember standing in my bathroom, staring at the pregnancy test as if it might change if I looked at it long enough. Two lines. Clear as day. And yet my mind couldn’t process what my eyes were seeing.

I wanted to cry, but I didn’t even know why. Was I happy? Had I just ruined my life? The shock was so intense it felt physical, almost traumatic. It pulled me backward into a season of my life I had fought hard to leave behind. Everything felt loud and silent at the same time.

I was scheduled to leave the country in a few weeks. I was already anxious about my health. And now this.

I didn’t know what to do next.

Feeling completely alone

I didn’t feel safe telling anyone. Not my friends. Not my family. Not even the baby’s father. We had only been together about six months, and there were already red flags I couldn’t ignore. He didn’t seem concerned about me or the baby. His behavior made me uneasy. Instead of feeling supported, I felt more alone than ever.

So I did what so many women would do in that moment. I Googled: “free pregnancy test” and “cheaper pregnancy help.” That’s how I found Avail .

An unexpected experience

I expected a clinical approach. Cold, busy, uninterested in me. Instead, I felt warmth. I felt welcomed. I felt safe.

No one rushed me. No one judged me. No one minimized what I was carrying—physically or emotionally.

When I met with my Care Expert, I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. I was saying things I hadn’t even admitted to myself. I felt embarrassed, and I questioned whether I even deserved support. But she didn’t flinch. She didn’t correct me or shame me. She just listened. Really listened.

And somehow, in that moment, I started to believe that maybe I could do this.

Finding support and stability

Avail encouraged me to take delivery support classes, conflict resolution classes, and financial education classes. They connected me to legal help when I needed it.

Their network of referrals changed my life. Through Avail, I was able to receive free counseling sessions. I worked through trauma I didn’t even realize was still shaping me. I learned how to become the kind of mom my daughter deserves—not just someone surviving, but someone healing.

Things with her father aren’t perfect, but I’ve learned how to pause, process, and respond instead of react. I’ve learned to set boundaries. I’ve learned to ask for help. I’m not the scared, isolated woman I was in that bathroom.

Continued support that makes a difference

And Avail is still there. I continue to meet with my Care Expert. She checks in, encourages me, and reminds me that I’m not alone.

This past Christmas, they sent us a box of Christmas presents. My daughter adored the book inside. I loved the journal. They even included gift cards so I could buy my daughter a present. It may sound simple, but to a mom trying to rebuild her life, it meant more than I can explain.

Sometimes I still struggle. Some days are heavy. But when I look at my daughter, I see hope. I see purpose. I see the life that felt almost impossible.

Avail didn’t just help me through a pregnancy. They helped me become a mother. And because people chose to support this work, my daughter and I are standing here today—stronger, steadier, and not alone.

Looking ahead with hope

Avail Staff

Navigating Relationship Resentment After an Abortion

Mon, 02 Mar 2026 21:08:17 GMT

Nina's story

Nina looked at her hands. They wouldn’t stop shaking, no matter how many times she told herself to “pull it together.” Her head hurt. John was talking, but the words weren’t landing. The voice in her head was screaming, “Your life is over. We’re pregnant.” The timing was all wrong. This was not the plan.

John felt weak. “Pregnant… Jeeze.” The word was bouncing around his brain like a grenade seconds before exploding. “Don’t be a jerk,” his heart scolded. “But we aren’t ready for this. I can’t believe this is happening.” He sighed deeply. “I just can’t be a dad. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go.”

Nina turned back in and saw John pacing back and forth across their tiny apartment. Her thoughts were all over the place. “I always wanted to be a mother and have a family. I really love John. I’m so afraid. I am not ready for this. What do I really want? What does John really want? I don’t want to saddle him with something he doesn’t want.”

Suddenly John paused his endless pacing and came over to Nina. His eyes focused on her. She looked up, hopeful and pleading that he would tell her it would all be okay. That maybe they could be good parents. Or that he would be there for her in whatever came next. All the while silently telegraphing, “Please just tell me what to do.”

John began, “You know I love you, right? And even though this wasn’t the plan… whatever you decide, I’ll support you.”

The dam broke. The tears came despite her will. Everything faded. Nina’s heart whispered, “You’re on your own.”

You're not alone

Nearly half of pregnancies in the United States are unintended. A study published in the CMA Journal found that of 1,500 participants, 56% of pregnancies were unplanned. Fast forward to 2019, and—according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) —41.6% of all pregnancies in the United States were unintended.

But statistics don’t tell the whole story.

But what about relationships? How do you navigate the profound mix of emotions that can range from connection through shared grief or relief to eroding trust and bitterness when facing an unintended pregnancy? The impact of an unintended pregnancy and abortion can vary from person to person and look very different from one relationship to the next.

Make room for reactions

When the weight of an unplanned pregnancy settles in, there are a host of reactions and responses people experience. These reactions often fall along emotional and practical distinctions.

Emotional responses

Fear and dread
Grief and sadness
Guilt and shame
Relief or ambivalence
Peace or contentment
Happiness and excitement

Logical and practical responses

Financial limitations
Housing or geographic stability
Age, stage of life, and maturity
Pre-existing children or previous pregnancy losses
Past conversations about family and the future
Available family or social support
Religious, societal, and cultural pressures
The health of the relationship before the pregnancy
Physical health concerns
Emotional capacity and preparedness

This can be a lot to process on your own.

Now imagine two people navigating this complicated web independently and then trying to find points of intersection and compromise. During a time filled with heightened emotion, stress, and potentially life-changing consequences. It should not be surprising that communication struggles, alignment disintegrates, and offenses present easily.

Post-abortion resentment

At Avail , one common concern we often encounter with clients after an abortion is partner resentment.

Merriam-Webster defines resentment as “a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.” The impact of abortion can be incredibly significant for couples. Some couples move through the experience with resilience and mutual support, while others face emotional challenges and lasting relational strain.

Looking back at John and Nina, it’s clear they were both processing internally and independently. They were experiencing different thoughts and emotions, yet neither was fully transparent. Perhaps they were not even sure what they truly felt. Maybe they were afraid of what the other would say if they were truly honest about their desires. Or perhaps difficult conversations had simply been avoided in the past.

Under significant emotional stress, it becomes very difficult to step outside of your own internal experience.

Highly charged moments leave us vulnerable. They increase the likelihood of taking offense to differing opinions, and conflict can result in feeling misunderstood, silenced, wounded, alone or even violated. When you are hurting, it becomes harder to express empathy, offer grace, or give your partner room to process in the way that serves them best.

This creates the perfect soil for resentment to grow.

Challenges that can lead to post-abortion resentment in relationships include:

Communication struggles or underdeveloped communication skills
Differences in beliefs about abortion or family planning
Contradictory emotions such as relief and grief existing at the same time
Feeling unsupported or disconnected from your partner
Different coping styles and capacities for managing stress

Resentment's toxic impact

Resentment can have a profound and corrosive effect on relationships. It often stems from unaddressed grievances, unmet expectations, or unresolved conflict.

Over time, resentment can lead to:

Devolving communication patterns
Reduced empathy and increased defensiveness
Emotional withdrawal and distance
Erosion of trust
Escalated conflict where small issues feel magnified

When resentment remains unspoken, it can shape how partners see and respond to each other.

Facing resentment

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” – Brené Brown

Resentment festers when the truth is deferred.

Resentment festers when truth is deferred. Hard conversations can feel risky. Vulnerability can feel like being exposed. Yet addressing resentment is essential for the health of a relationship.

Healing often involves:

Making intentional space for honest conversation
Acknowledging and naming your emotions
Expressing pain without assigning blame
Listening to understand rather than respond
Allowing time to process shared feelings
Taking responsibility for your own part
Moving toward forgiveness when possible
Seeking community or professional support when needed

From well-intentioned to resentment

Like Nina and John, men and women often process stress and grief differently. An unintended pregnancy can bring these differences to the surface.

Often, we hear men say the well-intentioned line, “Whatever you decide, I’ll support you,” believing they are honoring their partner’s autonomy and offering care.

Conversely, we often hear women share that this response does not always feel supportive. Some describe feeling alone in the weight of the decision, while others wish for clarity, reassurance, or a clearly expressed perspective from their partner.

A well-meaning statement, an offhand comment, or a moment of silence can sometimes lay the foundation for misunderstanding. Perception and reality drift apart, and assumptions take root.

When couples choose transparency, even when it feels uncomfortable, it opens the door to deeper understanding. Healing is hard work, but there is no shortcut. The only way forward is through honest connection.

Support is available

If you’re facing resentment in your relationship, creating a safe space where both partners can share openly is an important first step. Listening well and honoring each other’s courage can begin to rebuild trust.

Talking with a Care Expert at Avail can help as well. Processing a past abortion experience in a confidential setting can provide clarity and perspective. If you and your partner are comfortable, you are welcome to attend together. Just let your Care Expert know.

Qualified, compassionate, confidential care is available.

Avail Staff

Angel: Unplanned Pregnancy, Abuse, and Hope

Fri, 27 Feb 2026 20:45:12 GMT

Moment of revelation

Angel first came to Avail looking to navigate her unexpected pregnancy. She was only 19, and felt stuck in an incredibly difficult relationship with her boyfriend, who was physically and verbally abusive. The very day she decided to break up with him was the day she found out she was pregnant.

She remembers taking the pregnancy test, hoping against hope it would be negative: "Even before I saw the result, even though I didn't want it to be true, I already knew it was. I didn't cry. I didn't feel a lot of emotions. I just felt myself going into a serious, problem-solving mode: What am I going to do?"

Angel felt trapped. She believed she couldn’t leave her boyfriend until she knew what to do about the pregnancy. She didn’t have enough money to buy herself a sandwich, much less raise a child. She couldn’t confide in her parents either: “All I could think about was what my family was going to think about me. I thought they would be so disappointed. They were already disappointed in me for not going to college and not having the kind of job they wanted. I felt like telling them that I was pregnant would be the nail in the coffin of our relationship.”

Overwhelmed by these obstacles, Angel just wanted the situation over with, and she scheduled an abortion appointment. But through Avail’s support, she began to see another path.

She remembers how her Care Expert listened carefully to her story, explained the resources and options available to her, and gently affirmed what she already sensed deep down: she could be a mom.

She recalls the moment clearly: “I realized, even though things felt overwhelming and impossible, if I could just find the right support I could do it. I could be a mom.”

As Angel processed her situation with her Care Expert, she found the courage to tell her family about the abuse she was experiencing and begin setting boundaries. The consistent support she received throughout her pregnancy helped her focus on preparing to become a strong and committed mother.

"I used to be the main character in my life, but now my priorities have totally changed. My son has become the best chapter in my story."

The next chapter

A couple of years later, Angel reached out to Avail again, this time to participate in the Healthy Relationships program with her new boyfriend, Drake. Together they met with a Care Expert.

Angel shared that she had come to recognize how unhealthy it was to remain connected to her son’s biological father. She made the difficult decision to end communication in order to protect herself and her child.

Drake treats her with respect and has become a steady, positive presence in her son’s life, something Angel once feared he might never have. Now, she and Drake want to continue building on a healthy foundation and work through past experiences of abuse they have both faced.

Together, Angel and Drake attended an Avail gathering where Angel shared her story. As she spoke, Drake stood nearby holding her son, feeding him, rocking him to sleep. It was a picture of growth and stability. A striking contrast to the overwhelmed and uncertain 19-year-old who first walked through Avail’s doors feeling trapped and alone.

"I’m not just yet where I’d like to be, but soon I will be. And I’d do it all over again if it meant I would have my son, Miles. Thank you to Avail once again for all their help in bringing me and Miles to this place."

Make the next chapter possible

Angel’s story didn’t change because her circumstances were easy. It changed because support was available at the exact moment she needed it.

When a 19-year-old walks through our doors today, she may be facing fear, abuse, financial instability, or isolation. The difference is whether someone is there to listen, to offer qualified, compassionate, confidential care, and to walk with her toward stability. Your generosity makes that possible.

Give today to ensure the next young woman who feels trapped has a different ending.

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A long wait and a heavy room

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A story shared with permission

You don't have to carry it alone

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The moment I saw the positive pregnancy test

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Nina's story

You're not alone

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Emotional responses

Logical and practical responses

Post-abortion resentment

Resentment's toxic impact

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From well-intentioned to resentment

Support is available

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Angel: Unplanned Pregnancy, Abuse, and Hope

Moment of revelation

Get the information you need